My wife deals with our baby better than I do. I just don't understand why he's crying or what he wants, so I let her deal with it. I guess that when our son is old enough to talk, then I'll know what to do with him and how to do it. That's what I'm hoping.

If I want to go out on a Sunday afternoon, not in football season, my husband is perfectly willing, but I have to figure it all out. So I have to look at the movie schedule, pick a movie, decide if any of the kids need a ride anywhere first, and if the dog needs to go out or be fed. When we finally leave, I have to drive. When we're done, I have to suggest getting dinner, if it's dinnertime, because it won't have occurred to him that we need to eat, and that there's nobody at home cooking the meal.

My husband has never cooked us a meal in our 20 years of marriage. He just can't or won't, period. I would love to be the one who comes home to a meal waiting on the table for me, something I look forward to eating. But that hasn't ever happened, and he says it won't any time soon. I know, because I've asked.

In the Q&A:
What does your husband think of your book?

Oddly, I think my husband would agree that I do a lot of things better than he does” he certainly uses that as an excuse for why I should do X, Y, or Z. As in, "You're so much better at cleaning up the kitchen than I am," or "You're so much better at separating the laundry than I am." And on and on. . .
-----------------------------------------------------------

Meaning you don't KNOW what he thinks. You think he thinks whatever.....How did I know that a so-called "Superior Wife" would presume to think for her husband. Turn that around and how would any woman today react? Like a demon released from hell I suspect. There is a WHOLE OTHER SIDE to this so-called "SUPERIOR? WIFE" story. But hell, you didn't even bother to ask him what he thought of your book. I bet because you don't care. Since you're so SUPERIOR...

You have missed the boat entirely. If you wanna know REALITY, email me.
-tim

And, those are very "American" terms of usage. Lets count how long before this is deleted.

When we bought our house 16 years ago, the home inspector told us the roof was old and would need to be replaced soon. We didn't replace it. About eight years ago, I pulled my Christmas decorations out of storage and noticed a water stain on the plastic lid of the storage, showed it to my husband and said, " I think the roof is leaking, we need to replace it . His response was: "that is not from the roof, someone must have spilled something on the box." Sometime later, I noticed a water spot on the second floor ceiling, showed it to my husband and his response was: "uh-huh." I told him that we definitely needed a new roof and since I take care of everything else, he needed to handle finding roofers, getting estimates and having the work done. He didn't even make a phone call. Six years ago, I showed him a water spot on the ceiling of the front porch, again his response again was: "uh-huh." Apparently, my neck is the only one that bends up to see these things. I reminded him he needed to have the roof done. I was going to hold my ground and let him handle the roof. Flash forward: Two years ago, same roof, my birthday. I have the day off from work and It is pouring rain. I go into the kitchen and hearing water running. I look up, with my bendable neck, and there is water POURING through one of the recessed lights. I call my husband at work, in a panic, and tell him what is happening. His response: "It's only coming through ONE light?" It was then I realized, that I could stay stubborn and let the house collapse or call the roofer myself. Being the superior wife, guess what I chose? Two weeks later, the roof is installed. Sometimes, whether we like it or not, survival depends on being the superior wife.

I have been with my husband for 22 years. He didn't use to be this way. He used to want the same things out of life that I did. Not anymore. What he wants is the easy life and nothing else. I do EVERYTHING!! I work full time, take care of the house, the kids, the household pets, the cooking and 5 acres of land. He wonders why I am so stressed all the time and often says to me, "why are you always running around like a chicken with its head cut off". My answer is, "I wouldn't have to if SOMEONE HELPED ME"!!!!! I, too, get the standard "well you're so good at it". My friend's husbands always say that they wish that I were their wife. Believe me, I don't take it as a compliment, I take it as another man wanting me to do everything for them!!! I thought marriage was a partnership, not indentured servitude.

Just last night our darling three year old wanted his soup with crunchies, which he likes to sprinkle on his soup just right, before having the soup spoon-fed to him, just right. Much to our son's howling dismay, my husband dropped a bunch of crunchies on the soup and walked away. Meanwhile, I was grilling vegetables out back, heard the curfuffle, and walked inside growling, "Honey, you have to let him sprinkle the crunchies, etc." He said our son was old enough to deal with it. I said, "If you don't want to feed him, do the grill." When he moved toward the grill, I added, "Now, don't burn the zucchini, etc." Ugh! Poor guy is surrounded by "superior syndrome" people. Anyway, I can't wait to read this book! We're going to reread the Omnipotent Child book, too.

my husband was a bachelor for 7 years. he took care of his household, children, bills, decisions, meals, all by himself and took much pride in it. when he came along in my life i was so impressed with his "take charge" attitude! i was so grateful! finally, a man who didn't mind being a MAN! we've been married two years and everything has stopped. he makes no decisions, asks me if he can have something to eat everytime he goes to the kitchen, no longer takes me out. if we go out i have to plan it and yes, i have to drive! i am so disillusioned right now. this man planned our honeymoon! i didn't encourage this behavior either! everytime he asks me if he can "eat something" i look at him and say, "i can't believe you're asking me this, you're a grown man." he still does it! what happened?! women (at least this woman) need their men to be MEN!!!

After 26 years of marriage I've pretty much given up trying for even a semblance of equality. 90% of the time, if I want it done, and done adequately, I have to do it myself. I just don't want to live as a constant nag. My husband works in grocery stores but I do the food shopping. He used to pay the bills at the start of our marriage, but I took that over because he got so upset he was miserable to live with for days. On the rare occasion he washes the dishes I still end up cleaning the counters, table and stove - his response has always been "I'm washing the DISHES, not anything else". Plus, he seems to miss the outside of the dishes so I end up rewashing some things. We have bushes out front. I used to do the trimming, but when I wanted to rip them out he wanted to keep them, so I told him he'd have to take over the trimming. Now, half the time our house looks like a jungle because he waits sooo long to trim the darn things. I also find all the plumbers, electricians, etc. needed to maintain the house. I make the phone calls and arrange the appointments. This has taken a toll on our marriage and love life. My respect for him is just about gone. And it's hard to keep any desire going when everywhere I look is something else annoying, if it's not the bushes in the front, it's the piles of papers all over, or the piles of laundry, or the missing screw on the door, etc. We both work full time. I make more then twice what he does. I don't think my expectations are above normal. I'm not a clean freak or an anal organizer. But I can't live in chaos or dirt, either. I can't wait to get this book! I fantasize about kicking him out so he has his own place - we'd probably have a better relationship if we had separate places and just kind of dated.

The thing is often my wife won't let me help for fear that I will "do it wrong", and so takes away the responsibility from me. "Go watch TV with the kids...I'll do the laundry." Then the next time she complains that I never help.

My wife is not superior...she's miserable, because her standards are set so high no one can meet them but herself.

My wife and I were both raised in more or less traditional homes. However, I am the more confident and competent cook, I share in the laundry and house cleaning (though, perhaps not 50-50), handle the home repairs and maintenance, bills, banking and many other duties. In short, I am involved: unlike many men, I don't expect to be waited on by my wife. However, her parents had a very unequal marriage where her father did little and her mother complained and expressed her resentment continuously. My wife keeps a running score sheet in her head: she has a competitive rather than complementary view of our respective contributions, and very much models the Superior Wife mentality. If I pack for a trip to the beach, she comes behind me a redoes it; if I bathe the children, she questions me to ensure I washed their hair; if I complete a home repair, she offers little in the way of celebration or praise, preferring instead an attitude that suggests "it's about time." Much of this is, I'm sure, from a deep-seated fear of inadequacy and some long-standing self-esteem issues. I think we often assume that long-suffering, put-upon women have to deal with inadequate or uninvolved husbands without recognizing that we are only truly one generation removed from traditionalist, one-sided marriages that have left deep scars in the collective psyche. Women may indeed have poor husbands; but then it must equally be true that men must have poor wives. I don't believe that books, articles, or tv shows that attempt to simplify complex social issues such as gender and marital relationships do us any favours. Instead, I'd like to see a more serious effort to look at how models of marriage in the home, in the media, in popular culture, and in marital preparation courses prepare young people for the realities of living together.

Early on in my marriage I took over the bills because my husband failed to pay them on time. Later on I started to get bothered because my husband would go a couple weeks before mowing the lawn, so I've taken over lawn care. I work full time and have two young boys. I do the cooking, cleaning, yard care, I do home improvements (tile the kitchen floor, put up sheetrock, etc.) laundry, kids homework, bath time, bed time, finances, car care, set all doctors appointments (kids and husbands), plan family vacations...the list goes on and on. This summer I asked my husband to at least mow the back lawn. It has been 2 months and the lawn still hasn't been mowed. I refuse to give in and mow the lawn. He is an adult and should be able to take charge and step up when asked...better yet, step up without being asked. At what point do I just admit defeat and call it quits?

I came across an article on this book on MSNbc.com
I felt compelled to comment on this because of the many instances I have read/seen on this topic and, no matter how it is addressed, I always end up fuming! I'm so sick of the articles, books, "studies," and other media that add to this "superwoman" complex. Has no one ever thought that men learn early on in marriage/relationships not to even try something related to household work because the "superior wifey" will just nag him to death until the job is done her "superior" way? I think the majority of husband's in the U.S. have just figured out to not even attempt something because it will never be done "right." The stereotype of men's homemaking ineptitude is constantly perpetuated with commercials and other media outlets.
Our culture doesn't need women to continue patting each other on the back about their amazing martyrdom. What we need is a culture that supports open communication between men and women which would hopefully lead to compromises. Marriages shouldn't be about the husband vs. the wife. They should be about mutual respect and patting each otheron the back for a successful, fulfilling, happy marriage!
Info on the author: I am a married woman in my mid-twenties. I have a college degree and I work full-time, as does my husband. While we may argue sometimes about the household chores (because nobody enjoys scrubbing toilets!), we discuss the issue without letting cultural stereotypes interfere with our marriage. Why go through life hating the one person you decided to spend the rest of your life with?!

A Wife: When I was sick with the flu, I had a temperature of 102 degrees, and I could barely move out of the bed. It was Saturday, and my husband was home, but I think he asked me only once if he could bring me a drink. That was it. But when he's sick, I'm supposed to be his on demand nurse, delivering drinks and cold cloths and aspirins. I don't understand why he can't take care of me the way I take care of him.

My goodness. He left you alone! The heathen! Did you bother to actually ask for anything or did you just expect him to (and, in your words, act like you). It sounds as if when he's sick he asks you for stuff. This is called communication. Asking for things is much more constructive than just waiting for someone to read your mind.

I didn't go into marriage intending to be a Superior Wife; we negotiated beforehand a 50-50 division of chores. But once we were actually living under the same roof, he kept claiming "you do it better than I do" or simply refusing to do it.

E.g., I asked him to clean the bathroom while I cleaned the kitchen. Five minutes later, he was back on the couch. Story was that he was cleaning the shower, decided to take a shower as long as he was in there, and now that he was clean, he didn't want to get all sweaty by cleaning the rest of the bathroom.

Fine, I asked him to take over the non-sweaty activity of paying the bills. He wrote checks for several hundred dollars of books he wanted, CDs he wanted, junk food I refused to buy, but neglected to pay the rent and utilities. Intentional incompetence to make sure he was never asked to do that chore again.

There's a reason he's an ex, and it's not my superiority ... he was perfectly happy to let me do it all myself, and resisted any effort to get him to do something.

I too was raised in a very traditional family. My mother only told me after a few years of marriage that she thinks she raised me to be too accepting and subservient to my husband. I was given the image to cook the perfect meal, even bring it to him wherever he was...do the back rubs, put on my Sally Sunshine face and be a vamp in the bedroom. My husband and I had a more than happy marriage until we had kids. I worked full time and did everything else except feed the dogs and mow the lawn. In my freetime I doted on him...listening to his work stories...constant back rubs...involving myself with things he enjoyed...coming up with ideas to keep the lovelife strong. The truth is...I didn't mind. I don't mind doing things for the ones I love. Then - we had children....His life changed by about 10% and it left me wondering "where mine went". I don't nag...he does...he grips if the cupboards are bare, if the house is a mess...but offers to do little cleaning and absolutely no grocery shopping. He has his hunting and fishing...I've never once complained or told him he couldn't go..truth be known I've began to be thankful because all he does is nag on me and the children. He nags if a bill gets paid late but doesn't want responsibility of the finances or the checkbook. He complains that I adore the children and would put him out to sleep with the dogs. He says I tell them I love them more than I do him. I tell him I am not his mother...but I think I made my bed early in the marriage and I just can't handle him with kids gloves anymore because we have kids of our own! He tells me that "I handle certain things better than him"...it's just a cop out...an excuse for not wanting to take care of it himself. My mother tells me now "they will do what you let them by with". I'm just trying to figure out how to keep our family together without resentment on both sides. Sure...all his friends and probably many others would be happy to have me for their wife..the problem is I wouldn't dare have another husband-and I actually still love the one I'm have now...very much.

HE used to cook, he used to greet me after work with a glass of wine at the door. In just 3 years of marriage, he's changed to helping very seldom and does a half ass job when he does "help". He's even got me paying a majority of the bills. He claims that he stopped helping b/c I didn't constantly show my appreciation for it, however he almost never mentions all the *%$! I do. What the heck? Why wouldn't I feel superior?

After 3 children and 30 years of marriage my husband had never changed a diaper, fixed dinner, helped with homework, done laundry, paid a bill, made a bed or a decision and he wondered why I talked to him the way I did why I had an attitude! A lot of resentment and anger can build in 30 years and the effect it had on me was ugly! I did not like who I was and what I had become, so, for me, I forgave him for what he wasn't and he did not do all those years. Then, I refused to make all the decisions, showed him how to use the washer and dryer, ask for help with dinner and dishes, and explained that if he wanted to take the grandkids to Cabelas he had better get used to changing diapers. He did!!! He does!!! It's not perfect, but it is better! In bad moments I remember his good points, he's a gentleman, he's a hard worker, he's funny, he has never made me feel bad about myself in spite of the fact that I am overweight. It has been the best four years of the 34 we have been married with many more great years to come especially now that I have a better understanding and a whole lot more info from your book!!!

I constantly tell my husband I wish polygamy was legal, because I want a wife who will take care of my house, my children, find the item that somehow becomes invisible if it gets covered up by a single piece of paper even though it is exactly where it belongs, makes appointments and schedules contractors, and lets me do whatever I want whenever I want without consideration for anybody else. I wouldn't even mind having to share the sex part of my marriage, that is one more thing I wouldn't have to do.

I asked him to read an excerpt from the book that I found in Redbook, he read the first paragraph and told me he wasn't interested in an article about how great I am.

I am afraid our marriage is doomed, it's just a matter of time. The resentment is building and the love is shrinking.

After reading all of these examples of "superiority" it just seems like a bunch of nagging. It is VERY annoying that my husband does nothing around the house or for our daughter. What am I supposed to do? Let dishes sit, not pay the bills, let the house continue to fall apart, let my daughter go hungry or be late for school? I don't think so! I have to get up every day knowing this is my job to keep this house together, because NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO DO IT. I don't think I have Superior wife syndrome, I think I am the only one that gives a care.

Your book and the comments above made me adore my husband, who does the dishes every nite and the laundry every week. He also does tresury for the PTO and coaches soccer. On my end, I clean the rest of the house. Outside stuff is split... For "extras" like home repairs, it's likely split. Also, he does all bills. I do tend to take charge of daily school stuff for children, but he does other school projects (like the PTO thing). Yesterday he took our son to the doctore (even though I work at home, I had a deadline). I do most of the cooking, but he will grill. Also, he does the weekly grocery shopping (the big one), whereas we will split the small trips...

I look lazy. I do all the massive cleaning- mopping, bleaching, bathroom, toilets, beds, vacuum, etc. Children's showers and bed are split. He's gone in the AM so I do school prep...

Dates, I usually push these, as opposed to him, but he has surprised me once or twice when he knows there's a movie coming out that I love.

Trips: I will usually do the beginning of trips (place, tickets, itinerary), and he will take over doing the nitty-gritty (directions, budgets).

I don't know why he is like he is, except perhaps because he lived alone for 10 years before we got married, and because I worked FT in the beginning of our mariage....

I will say that I adore him and am quite ahppy to meet his needs and put out, as I don't generally feel any resentment or anger toward him...

Just last night our darling three year old wanted his soup with crunchies, which he likes to sprinkle on his soup just right, before having the soup spoon-fed to him, just right. Much to our son's howling dismay, my husband dropped a bunch of crunchies on the soup and walked away. Meanwhile, I was grilling vegetables out back, heard the curfuffle, and walked inside growling, "Honey, you have to let him sprinkle the crunchies, etc." He said our son was old enough to deal with it. I said, "If you don't want to feed him, do the grill." When he moved toward the grill, I added, "Now, don't burn the zucchini, etc."

Your husband's right. A three-year old is perfectly capable of doing things for himself...especially feeding himself. Spoonfed at 3? You've got to be kidding me!

You are infantilizing both your husband and your son.

if you watch that show "Mad Men," you'll see a reversal of sorts. Men used to think of the wives as children and property and as their responsibility to manage. As seen in a vignette about Betsy Draper's therapy. The psychiatrist calls her husband, Don Draper to discuss her case, and ends up telling Don he's "...doing a good job with the old girl..."

That said, home and children were still women's domain. 100%. I think what has changed is women have added earning income, sometimes substantial household income. Men just haven't generally made the corresponding adjustment. Although, they do deserve credit generally for expecting themselves to be more emotionally available and involved with wives and children, if nothing else.

Another great show with fascinating insight on the topic: Househusbands of Hollywood, conversations and vignettes about superior wives and their ailing househusbands, who are existentially lost in their groundbreaking roles.

And, a great book: Why Hiring a Housekeeper is Cheaper than a Divorce, which postulates that no one should have to do the scut work, but instead both should pool resources to spend more quality time with one another and the children.

I'll buy the theory that wives shoulder a greater responsibility when I see John Hancock produce an ad where a husband peppers his wife with anxious texts about their financial future, while the wive heaves a worried sigh.

Whatever success this book has will only demonstrate that you can make money telling people what they want to hear. In this case, that your problems are all other people's fault, and that if you bear any responsibility at all, it's that you're just too darn good.

I’m sick of being angry. It takes a lot of energy to work yourself up to that point in anger when you can’t stand the sight of a person. I’ve been there so many times and my victim is my husband. I know, there’s alot of women out there whose sole purpose is to castrate every man out there until they roll into the fetal position and start sucking their thumbs. I intentionally omitted the part where most people would say “mommy” in conjunction with sucking the thumb because if our husbands said mommy (and they know better not too) they would plain and simply get their asses kicked verbally by us. But this is not my intention. I am not here to castrate, I just want to be in a place of understanding.

Holy Crap. Yes, I'm speaking of The Almighty Crap. That time (or times) during the day where the husband duly disappears for about 20 minutes to half and hour. I cannot believe what I’ve become when I found myself shouting at my husband over his “me time”. Yes, I nicknamed it “me time” because he thought it hilarious (as did I) when I would hear hundreds of women refer to their “me time” consisting of nails, hair and tans. I couldn’t imagine a 10-minute shower without three children nearly pulling the shower curtain down to see mommy, never mind outside curricular activities for myself. But my husband found his 20-minute time slot (sometimes up to 3 times a day) to grab This Old House and have total privacy. No children begging, phones ringing or nagging bills billowing in his head. This would drive me insane. What entitled him to leave suddenly when the day would start picking up activity to leave for 20 minutes? What is this nerve? Could I do that and get away with it daily? Up to three times a day? This is how low it got, I asked him why it took him that long, bluntly. Why 20 minutes or more. He said that it took that long to go. I said “Really, then you should be in a fucking hospital because you may have shit out your intestines if you really took a straight 20-minute shit. No human being can shit straight for 20 minutes and live.” Besides, wouldn’t you lose like 20 pounds a day if that was the case? That he has not.

He would also tell the kids, “Ok, go get dressed, get ready, come on, we got to go! Don’t fool around, come on – let’s go!” and then as they wait by the door or the van to go, he tells them “I’ll be right down, Daddy has to get ready.” Now, I’ve been married long enough to know exactly what that means, but they have not. Getting ready means “I need to take a 20-minute crap.” Eventually, very soon, our oldest is going to say “Daddy, you mean you have to go poopy and that takes a long time”, and I hope I’m there to witness this because it is always nice to know YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. I’ve named my husband’s condition MIBS (Male Irritable Bowel Syndrome). Similar to it’s stress-related sister IBS, this condition involves men (obviously) and their need to move bowels minutes before the family is ready to head out the door, or the shit hits the fan in the house, or mommy leaves for a doctor’s appointment and daddy puts on the movie “Cars” and has at it in the bathroom because mommy can’t yell at him and hopefully be done by the time she returns.

Why does this get me angry? Some days its tolerable, others it not. Over a crap? How does that end up mattering? Is it jealousy? Guilt? What makes me react that way? To him, it’s a crap, to me it’s a way to remove oneself from the household goings on. Damn him for getting away with that. When is it my time? That guaranteed 7 days a week, 365 days a year, to remove myself from the “goings on” to evacuate my bowels. That’s 73 hours a year! At least for us, it wouldn’t be something so dumb, we would escape to Facebook or something. But you see, its not that they only GET 20 minutes to themselves, because when they come out of their “office”, they rattle off their single-minded agenda for the day that is equivalent to a 20-something bachelor. It involves useless trips to either Home Depot, Lowe’s or both to pick up something (about 3 hours EASY), then on the phone with the friend that he cannot start his day without, nor end it without (about an hour), then off to clean out and “organize” the garage, of which I have not one item in there so its clearly time allotted to stroke the tools and equipment (the remainder of the day) and think of new ones to get. Oblivious, or as I call him under my breath, and yes sometimes to his face "useless turd". But I put on a smile and mumble alot under my breath and do alot of praying while this is going on. Most of the time this works.

Thanks to your Website, I now have a different term to think about for my wife's behavior. For the past ten years, I always considered her to be a control freak. Now I know she's merely "superior."

I say this without sarcasm -- it's difficult to relay this via text -- but now that I can ways to deal with what has become a constant clash.

I look forward to reading your book. Thank you!

I definitely wouldn't say I'm better at the things I do, I am just the one who makes the effort to do them. Women have way too much physical and mental responsibility placed on them. Cleaning, shopping, cooking, gifts for all occasions, school events, appointments, what's for dinner...(I could go on and on). He does not have to remember or plan, or think of ANYTHING that goes on in our lives. What bothers me most is that he DOES NOT work! He has not worked in over 7 years since our first child was born. He is a stay at home dad, and Yes, he does feed, diaper and at times play with the baby, but for the most part he is either playing his video game, on the computer or napping (oh yes, or on the toilet with the video game which could be upwards of an hour)! I on the other hand leave for work at 7:30, and after working a full day, go shopping, or run some other type of errand that is necessary, then come home, cook and clean up dinner. This leaves lots of time to spend with my family (sarcasm). And once I have returned home, I find (9 out of 10 times) hubby sitting at the dining room table playing his hand held video game with baby in the exersaucer. The kitchen is a mess with used bottles, his breakfast dishes, and anything left over from the night before. All those hours in the day and he couldn't manage to pick anything up? (I must mention that baby takes about two 2hr naps). So before I start anything else, I clean up the kitchen and dining room.
He does have a few chores that he is responsible for: paying the bills, which most of the time have incurred finance charges because he hasn't bothered to pay them, mowing the lawn (I think he did it 3 times last year), and taking out the garbage-which is done every 2 weeks, and I help! If anything breaks in the house he is able to fix it, and has saved us lots of money in repair bill, but all these things are so random. I will mention that he does have a medical condition, but is basically healthy, and would be capable of working. (We had chosen not to put our children in day care, but hey-it's my turn to enjoy stay at home status)! My anxiety/stress level is through the roof, and managed with medication, but that doesn't solve the underlying problem. I am resentful of the lack of participation on his part. We have been to a counselor and things improved minimally for a while, but now we are back to the 'same old'. When my bitching gets too much, he says "make me a list, how am I to know what needs done?" (Well, how do I know what needs done for that matter?) So I make a list, and he still does not do what I have put on the list. I am at my wits end with the whole situation. I will also mention that on days when I have off work, and on weekends, he is in bed until-at the very earliest-noon and most of the times later, possibly even three! The only time I have slept in is when I was terribly ill. I just don't know how to turn my situation around. I think it's too late. I would like to feel positively toward him again, but I'm not sure I can. (And he expects me to be romantic with him-please)!

I've read about this book and all these comments. Have to say, for all the women complaining about men who will not pick up their share of household duties, do yourself a favor (as I finally did for myself): WAKE UP & LEAVE HIM - HE'S PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE!!

I've had all the same complaints as above: I do all the lawn care, bill paying, house cleaning, etc. on top of a full-time job. No one tells me when things need to be done or asks me to do them or praises me when they get done; I'm an adult and just know. So, why do MEN need to be asked, cajoled, and even praised?!?

I totally know about the being sick thing (being at his beckon call when he's sick but when I'm sick he's nowhere around--nay, pretends to not hear me calling even--because he doesn't want to be around sick and get sick himself, he said) and the no meals made for me (First, it was he didn't know how, but upon trying to teach him to cook, he kept messing up and said, "I can't do it; you just do it." Then it was because I got home earlier, but even when he occasionally got home before me, he flatly said, "Ain't gonna happen, ever." He couldn't even thaw meat from the freezer until I got home!).

It was bad enough when he was also working full-time. Now, he's been unemployed for more than 1yr and goes to school only 2-3 days per week, and he STILL can't do a darned thing around the house. Heard the excuse, "you do it better," but his other words were louder "you don't do ___ (fill in the blank), you're a lousy wife", "I don't like to ___ (fill this blank with EVERYTHING), so you're supposed to and if you don't you're a lousy wife," etc.

Then I found some wonderful information about "passive aggressive" behavior. He fit EVERY common sign and description! It has NOTHING to do with being a "superior wife" and EVERYTHING to do with being an "inferior husband"! He's lazy, wants "mommy" do everything for him -- it's all part of the passive aggressive behavior. If you have a man exhibiting these traits -- WAKE UP AND LEAVE (it's your only hope for sanity).

I loved this book! I am a very capable, handy, useful woman, and I have been for years. I met and moved in my husband when I was 15 (yup, 15!I'm twenty five now) and at that time, not only was I an emancipated minor, I worked a full time job ranching while attending school. My husband is older then I am, and he was a full time member of the work force, but was done with school. He also still let his mother do is cleaning, laundry and cooking.
Shortly after he moved in, I realized that not only was I completing high school, working a ten hour day at a ranch (fencing, bucking bales, riding colts, doctoring cattle, welding, a very physically and mentally demanding job!) I came home to a man who's first words were "Hi sweety! You smell like a horse, hope you shower before we hump later. What are you making me for diner? Oh, I broke (insert some tool, car or peice of horse tack here) and I'm out of (socks, pants, undies, ect) so can you wash some laundry tonight?"
Every single night. And I did. I was usually so exhausted, I cooked his diner, fixed whatever needed fixing, fed my animals, did his laundry, and fell asleep often while standing up and still working, usually at the sink! I didn't eat diner. He'd come and carry me to bed (or the shower, if I hadn't made it that far in my routine)around 11pm, as I had a back injury and often, once I stopped moving, my right leg wouldn't work (nerve damage), and then he'd talk me into "humping" (his words, not mine!) and I'd pass out (I mean that literally!) and wake up to finish laundry at 4 am the next day. I did this until I was 18, at which point I decided enough was enough. I asked him to step up to the plate. He started doing the vehicles care, and took out the trash, but wanted tons of praise for this little bit of work. My husband complained of my exhaustion and lack of ability to give to our relationship (usually while watching football on his third or fourth beer) So, I quite ranching (which I loved, like I love my son, or loved my husband!) so I could have enough time and energy to dedicate to "us". I got a well paying job, only 45 hrs a week, at a sheet metal shop as a welder. I did this, while running a small horse training operation, for a few years, until I had my son. I got so depressed during this time because I had honestly lost my dream of a career, I had turned down all my apprenticeships to train horses. I used to wake up, do the laundry, and fall asleep again. Wake up and go to work. Come home, collapse on couch, cover myself with a blanket and hope for a swift and painless death. I hated myself, and it was hell. I contemplated suicide, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because I knew how much it would trash everyones lives, since mine was already ruined, why make theirs a wreck too? Besides, I wasn't worth the waste of a body. My husband during this time (six, eight months?) never asked what was wrong, never comforted me, never said a peep. I coulda smothered under that blanket, he wouldn't have noticed.

lt.

My best freind (bless her heart!) came everyday, made him breakfast, lunch and diner, cleaned my house, did our laundry, and tried to force feed me ice cream on a regular basis. I weighed 87 lbs after that period, I'm normally 125. Funny, sweet as it was to have her there, and much though I truly owe her for saving me from myself, I realized that as far as my husband was concerned, I was replaceable. As long as I'd lay there like a dead fish while he had sex with me (at least he's faithful!), and she took care of everything else, we were just fine! I discussed this with him, and he paid a fine lip service that kept me with him, although in retrospect nothing changed.
Some time after all this, I had settled into my welding job, and trained colts on the weekends, I simply couldn't give up my dream of training horses. I got this brilliant (AKA Stupid!) idea that having a child would fix the big, empty pit I had in my heart, after my best friend moved out of state and it was just me and my beer chugging husband. I genuinely thought that maybe, just maybe, while I was pregnant, bloated, sick and everything else that comes with being pregnant, my husband would step up and help me. And he is amazing with kids, plays like he was one of them (might just be!) and he's so darling with all his little step-brothers and sisters. I imagined this fantastic happy life of the two of us raising our child together, I'd be stirring diner on the stove after work, he'd be giving baths. Seemed like a fine idea! And I knew I was able to handle the responsibility, shoot, I'd been juggling so much for so long, one child wasn't gonna be a stretch, I usually had four or five of his little relatives over all the time.

I begged, I pleaded and I literally cried (I don't cry!) during my pregnancy for some help, any help! Our bathtub fell through the floor of our house, I remodeled it by myself in two weeks. My brother in law found out, and he painted for me so I wouldn't have to deal with the fumes. I redid our extra bedroom (after kicking out my husbands best friend, and the other drain on my energy) by myself, while eight months pregnant. I got special permission from my shop owner to wear flip-flops to work, because my husband refused to help me put on my boots in the morning, and after my seventh month, I couldn't reach my feet to tie on my lace up, steel toed boots. I worked until two days before I had my son, a week overdue. Things didn't change after I had my son either.
Truthfully, lately, I've given up. I have a second house now, that goes with my training facility for the business I started. My son and I still sleep at home, but our clothes, food, daily stuff is all down there. It's my second house, and I love it. I keep it up, as does the apprentice I have living there, and we do just fine cooking, cleaning and doing laundry together. I don't do anything at my house I share with my husband. Ironically, his mother comes over and does his laundry, I bring him leftovers from our communal diners at my facility, and his aunt cleans for him. He called my best friend to come out and help him, but she told him very politely where he could stuff it. I don't do anything for "our" house anymore, and lucky him, neither does he. Must be mighty nice!
I loved your book, I thought I had done something wrong. I thought I ruined my marriage, I thought this was all my fault. I've tried talking with him, I've tried begging. I've tried ignoring his rude (non-helpful behaviours, insults, nagging) and rewarded his good points (major backfire!). I don't nag, if I say something once, twice, and you haven't heard, I will not say it again (I have a very attentive toddler now! LMAO!). I tried bribing with sex, rewarding with sex. I am supportive, I go above and beyond what I need to do.
I read your book, and it made me cry. I decided a while ago, I am getting a divorce. I have my own very successful training business, with six wonderful employees, in partnership with my mother. I work everyday, side by side with amazing people, and with my son working with me. My husband is a drag, he's my dead weight, and I am done.I don't need him to tell me how ugly I am, how likely I am too fail in my business (the third I've run, sold the other two) or how skinny my butt looks, or how stupid I am because I forgot to get him a kitkat on my way home. Yup, I am just plain done, I don't need him, I am enabling him to remain a child, and I can't stand him or myself for this reason. I cried, because my husband (even though I have said this!) still denies that we have a problem. Things are fine, he loves me and we are fine. I cried, because I finally don't feel guilty for going through a divorce. This is not all my fault, I cannot change him, he needs to change with me to make this work. I do not deserve to be punished, called a failure, ridiculed, nagged or schooled on because I cannot do everything always.

I am not a failure because I didn't wash our kitchen floor three times a week (twice seems plenty sufficient to me!) I am not a loser because my business doesn't earn millions, I am a success, because I juggle two people's work, because I built a business that stays well in the green.
I wish still, that I could make things work with my husband. I am sure, because I have seen it towards others, he is a kind, gentle and thoughtful man. However, I also know that I will never be able to let go of how much he's hurt me. I will never be able to forgive him for making work so tirelessly hard, while he had fun. I will never trust that when I need support emotionally, I won't get insulted instead. I will never trust him to carry any weight of work for the home or children or business. I can't find that in myself, it is hard enough not to hate him. And after reading your book, I don't hate myself for feeling this way, I don't hate myself for taking the "easy" way out (divorce). I would not be a better person for struggling as I have, for another ten years, or twenty. The years I gave him were enough, I don't need to be riddled with guilt that I failed, because I couldn't make him happy with me. I don't think he ever would be happy with me, and I don't think he will ever change for me.
Thank you for freeing me from that, I am a busy woman without the need for an extra burden of guilt!

Sorry this was so long, hope it helps someone. But mostly, I'm glad I could tell some people who maybe understand why I am getting a divorce.

My superiority is most definitely self inflicted. My husband was in the Air Force for 6 years, at the time our girls were just babies/toddlers. Obviously I learned rather quickly that if I didn't do the yard work, house work, child rearing, finances, then it would not get done. I believe my husband would be capable of doing all the things I do if he HAD to do them, but he has never had to do all the things I do because I do everything. That sounds like an exaggeration, it is to an extent. When we had two cars I did the maintenance on my own car. Now we have one car and my husband has it all the time. I run errands on my bike (by choice most of the time) or on foot. He does most of the repairs on the car now. I also do all the finances. Recently our debit cards had been compromised. I had to go through everything and change all the account information for all the bills, etc. Recently we got a statement saying our card had been declined for a bill I had overlooked needing the new card information. My husband snapped, "Now we look like delinquent people!" Seen as how I was the one who did the whole painful process I felt he was calling me delinquent. Doing all the laundry and cleaning can be especially painful when dealing with a germ-aphobic husband. Countless remarks regarding the cleanliness of the home or why aren't the whites crispy white instead of the usual off white color. I also do all the cooking (which for the most part is well received because I admit, I'm pretty good in that department), yard work (still, even though he is not active AF anymore), and volunteer 3 days a week at my kids' school. I keep telling myself I chose this life by being a stay at home Mom, but honestly the worst part is when it comes to night time and the lights go out. I am way to exhausted to even think of being touched. Did I mention I am also an online student? I cannot wait to read this book. I have high hopes for receiving direction on how to get out of this stupid syndrome!